Jumpin on the Twlight Bandwagon

Again, after yet another long hiatus, I am back, yes yes; dive for cover minions of mine (Is it okay if I refer to you as minions?) Sadly, no art shall be posted during this rant though in the near future I plan to post some, if my evil plot to steal a scanner actually works, and if it doesn’t, I do hope that I am stopped by a hot, spandex clad superhero, preferably Batman. My devoted (I hope) minions, this blog rant shall purely and simply be about Twilight.

Now, when I type the word “Twilight” I don’t mean the time between dawn and sunrise, and the time between sunset and dusk. I am actually referring to Stephanie Meyer’s “classic” novel series, oh don’t look at me like that, and you knew as well as I did that a review was inevitable! And of course with the vampire sensation sweeping the very nook and crannies of our girly minds, I, myself, being an avid fan of the undead and their oozing charm, come on, don’t tell me that you didn’t swoon over Angel from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with his long coats and broody face XD don’t judge me, I just happen to be K00l like that.

Hmm, where do I begin? Well for starters, being in Pakistan, I was unaware and thus inwardly immune to the Twilight sensation until my friend-you know who you are-well for the sake of this blog post, I shall refer to her as Lazy Dazy, told me about this “amazingly amazing” book that had sunk it’s teeth (pun intended, with more to come XD) into her and of course the main hero being to die for, this book was a definite must read.
So I waited for the Twilight sensation to hit Pakistan, which took a longer time than I expected, a long time being me going to the book store every month and bugging the owner as to when it will arrive, to which he would reply: Oh the books are on their way, just come back in a few days. HAH! A few days my pudgy posterior! A word of advice minions, these guys of NO idea what they’re talking about T_T

So finally I grew tired of waiting until finally Twilight found me like a mosquito finds a human to suck the blood out of (hah! Another inwardly Twilight pun XD) my cousin, Rain, got her hands on the book and being her usual pawnsome self, gave it to me after reading and this is where our story really begins.

The book:
So when I started reading it I didn’t find Bella annoying at all, okay, confession, I actually liked her, in the first half of the book, she was the embodiment of a stereotypical American teenager and I was okay with that, but then Stephanie Meyer made her first mistake as a writer: SHE MADE BELLA A MARY SUE. I mean, come ON, Bella describing herself as “not pretty” and “clumsy” yet miraculously, ALL the guys in the school have the hots for her, why? Because she’s the main character, even Jacob falls head over heels for her the moment he sees her, just like Bella when she sees Edward, which brings me to my second point: WHY IS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH ONE ANOTHER? O_O
Here’s how I see the whole trilogy: Edward, Jacob, Alice…. Well basically everyone in the book is obsessed with Bella while Bella’s “obsession compass” is stuck on Edward. Oh wow, I just basically described the whole book to you XD

That brings me to: THE NON EXISTENT PLOT. What happens during the whole book? Declaration of love and hmm, oh yes, in depth description of Edwards marble body. Joy.
But the worst thing, and I mean, the most mind boggling thing about the whole book which really got me ticking: THE SPARKLING. Sparkling in the sunlight?! Are you kidding me?! What was she trying to prove here? That vampires are actually crazy Heterosexuals? Fine, Edward sparkling, it may scar my mind but I can accept that, but buff ripped jock vampires like Emmet, sparkling?! Yeah, that I don’t get! I mean, ZAWMG! Crazy vampires, oh noes! What’re you gonna do?! Sparkle me to death!? The light burns!!111 T_T

Maybe it’s just me, who, expects a lot from Vampire or Supernatural related entertainment and much to my disappointment they don’t reach the bar, I mean, if you thought Twilight the book was a disappointment, prepare to be shocked, the movie was even a bigger disappointment, not that I was expecting it to be a hit or anything once I saw the “amazing” cast.

Edward Cullen, fine, yes, I admit that I did drool over him while reading until I got to New Moon, then Edward was so last book XD but even I didn’t want the image of Edward to be dragged along the mud like that, it was tragic really, and yes I’m pretty sure a lot of Robert fans will be running after me with pitch forks but they couldn’t have picked a bigger douche bag, during the whole movie I thanked the DVD company that the movie had subtitles and I’ll be damned if I understood anything that cane out of his mouth, and the mullet hairstyle threw me off completely: EPIC FAIL!

Jacob Black, yes, I’m much preferably a Jacob fan, but taking one look at Taylor in that hideous wig almost made me cry, without the wig, yes, maybe my eyes won’t bleed out and well, he does look very well ripped in the New Moon posters >_<

Bella Swan, ah yes, the center of everyone’s attention and everyone’s world, the mother of all Mary sues, played by the expressionless Kristen, fine, she has the looks (so people say) but my God if she knows how to act (more pitchforks coming towards me) oh and the look of continuous constipation, lest I forget, was very entertaining to watch XD

The rest of the clan, Carlisle was a definite Gay Fish, Emmet, a monkey man, Rosalie, a mere man and Mrs. Cullen, yeah no comment there, Alice, I had no problem with, thank God ^_^
But I may add though, is the fact that crummy as it was, it kept my butt glued to the bed and refused to be put down; I guess I could call it, a drug effective fanfiction. But now, all I do is smile when I see someone holding that book with a look of a rabid fan-girl on her face, oh and resist the urge to snatch the book and tear it into tiny little pieces saying: take that biatch! XD